ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
why would tinder want me to say this
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.