Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?