My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans