People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
me as a parent
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*