Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
The fall of Netflix
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward