Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Lmao 🤣
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE