Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
(Jupiter –
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling