Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”