Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands