Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.