“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My new favorite headline
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
True
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.