my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
i’m sure it’s fine
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*