In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”