Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
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[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬