A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.