Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me My dog
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
SPLOOT
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.