I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
You Might Also Like
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that