Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
6. me as a lawyer
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
😂💯
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.