Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees