9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”