Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Wait a second…
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.