Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay