*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.