me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
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My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side