waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
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“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing