Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
subtitles are so good nowadays
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”