Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…