The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
2 years later
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff