When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
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[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
This made me chuckle.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off