Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
stand with me against insufficient seating
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*