If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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When you let grandma cat sit
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
rise and shine we got egg
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage