Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: