Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Coffee for people with no kids
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.