Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.