I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home