am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
#Caturday
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.