I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.