I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Happy birthday to all the women
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born