ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.