[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
tell em, edith-anne
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me