I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I want this so bad
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.