* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me