I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.