[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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blocked.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
People buying plungers never look happy.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’m calling the cops.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.