If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
yeah 😭
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
This probably isn’t good
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.