[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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