I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Stop.