*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
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Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
This is why I hate group projects
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.