Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
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Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”