trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
This hospital has everything
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts